I had an amazing experience this past week. I went whitewater rafting. Because Mark is still injured (shoulder and elbow) he could not join me and the other two English speakers that I work with were on holidays. I was on my own.
Before I tell you my story, let me start by saying that I have lost almost 20 pounds since arriving in Japan just over 3 months ago and I walk between 2 and 5 kms every day. I am feeling good.
The day before I was supposed to go rafting, I panicked… hard! I went online and I realized that I was not just floating leisurely down a river - I would be paddling, facing dangerous rapids and worse than any of that - so much worse - I had to “gear up” in a wetsuit or a drysuit.
If you have dealt with being a larger person for any length of time or in any circumstances then I do not have to say anything else - you get it.
I was physically ill thinking about it. I communicated this with the amazing young Japanese woman I work with and she simply did not understand. Why was I making such a big deal out of this?? It was “for fun” and in Japan, daijobu (no big deal).
Again - some of you are with me… some still don’t get it…
There was no option to back out - I made a commitment to my employer in a country where your word is your bond. I was not “just” rafting, it was for a promotional tv show. I had to go.
Eventually, my friend/coworker started to understand. It might have been when my voice started to crack or the tears welled up in my eyes.
HOW could I possibly go somewhere where something might not fit me - where I was TOO BIG and they couldn’t accommodate me? I was frozen with fear and dread… my mind imagining the worst possible humiliation and embarrassment.
The rafting tour guide called me and reassured me he had something for me - I asked if he was sure, and after a restless night of sleep and a silent (language barrier) car ride to the site, I did it. And it was fabulous.
But that is not my point. I know that no matter what the activity, the first thing I think is, “what if I am too large?”
A friend of mine shared a story about someone trying to get her up water skiing and she said no. He wouldn’t stop… I can feel the panic rising inside her - she is not what you or I would consider really large or obese - but that is how she feels and I know that feeling. So when she told me the story I felt what she was feeling. He just - didn’t - get - it. It’s a compliment really - he just doesn’t see her the way she sees or feels about herself.
My experience was exactly the same. Of course there would be gear that would fit me… why are you making such a big deal out of this???
If they only knew… how it feels to be Larger than LL (the biggest size for regular Japanese people). They would understand. And I hope that if you are one of those people, the next time you think it is “no big deal”, you think again.
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